Chapter 1 of my book finished!

	tnfsinger 70	1
	Ok, I don't mind posting it here. Here goes... let me know what you think! Chapter 1 Revelations The cold night air bit at Aeron’s face. It was frost season, and the night was clear in the way that only a cold frost season night could be. Breath rolled from his mouth in clouds and wisps of white. There was no snow, no clouds overhead, just a black sky so clear it felt as though the stars hung just overhead, ready for a man to reach up and pluck them as one would apples from a tree. The bright moon in its full cast its silvery beams down, shattering the otherwise impenetrable darkness that lay upon the land of Calidoreas. Where am I? It was beautiful here, atop this tower, looking out across the land. Shailamar stood in its entire splendor beneath him, silver walls gleaming in the moonlight; The Silver Palace. It was ancient, dating back to the days before even the Council of Seven. The Elder Scrolls, the oldest texts in the library, claimed that when the Luminari first created this land, Shailamar stood already, calling to them, and they took it as their home. Aeron wasn’t sure if he believed that. How could something have existed before the gods came to create the land and raise man from the ground? The Elder Scrolls were revered as holy texts by the Priories, but he really didn’t understand them. They seemed to contradict themselves at times, and other times just talked about what seemed nonsense and myth. The Priors claimed to understand them, yet they had an entire order devoted to studying and interpreting them. If pressed, they gave the usual cryptic answers about the Luminari providing tools we aren’t ready to use, or some such, and condemned those who questioned. Aeron had come to learn the hard way that questioning the Priories could cause many problems, as he was severely reprimanded for doing so in his youth. He had seen more than one man lose everything after being branded a heretic for asking too many questions. Not that it was illegal to do so, but the Priories had become powerful, nearly as influential as the Dragoons, and had many devotees in the aristocracy. Aeron should be above all that, of course, but causing waves where religion and politics met could be dangerous, even for highest of men. Now he simply accepted the teachings of the Priories, and didn’t think much on them. It was easier that way. Something isn’t right. The city of Verala, capital of Calidoreas, lay spread out before the walls of the Silver Palace. Verala was a massive, sprawling city, one of the largest in Dekana, built entirely on an island in the middle of the Crystal Lake. The crescent shaped island rose high out of the water on the northern side, where Shailamar stood, sheer cliffs rising out of the clear waters of the lake. From there the island sloped down gradually, finally coming level to the water’s edge, and the city filled the rest of the island. The Causeway – a massive road made from white granite and marble, great fluted pillars rising on its sides for its entire length – bisected the city. It began at the gates of Shailamar and ran straight through the middle of the city, eventually becoming a bridge that spanned across the Crystal Lake all the way to the far shore. Like Shailamar itself, it was a mystery and wonder of architecture, with no joints or seams to be found. It was still an impressive sight to Aeron, though he had grown up here. Verala was wealthy, and was considered by many to be the cultural center of all of Dekana, with several colleges, universities, and mastercraft halls headquartered here. It was also location of Grand Hall of the Priory of Luminaris as well, making it a religious hub. Aeron had often wondered why the Dragoons chose to house their headquarters in Ankhara rather than here. He supposed that they preferred having their own city, staying out of the swirling competition of politics and religion that dominated Veralan society. Sometimes he wished he could. Verala was always busy and bustling. The southern harbors were filled with fishing vessels, merchant vessels, and passenger craft moving to and from the mouth of the river Luthean. Inns and taverns spilled light and music into the streets, travellers headed to their destination, the night guard patrolled the streets with torches held aloft. Even in the dead of night there was life in Verala. Tonight, however, was different. Tonight the city lay in total dark and silence. There were always lights in the city, no matter the hour. The street lamps of the main roads should at least be lit, and beyond that the braziers lining the Causeway should easily be seen, leading over the waters of the Crystal Lake. Yet all was dark and silent, save for the light of the moon. It was as if the night had simply swallowed the entire city, leaving only the rooftops behind to bathe in the moonlight. It was strange and unsettling, and Aeron felt a chill pass through his body that had nothing to do with the cold. How did I come here? Aeron was confused. Why was he up here on this tower on such a cold night? It was true he often came here to be alone and think. It was a long climb up the tower stair to the top, and no one else but he felt it was worth the effort, despite the breathtaking view. It was said this used to be a lookout post in old days, but to his knowledge it hadn’t been used for that purpose for centuries. What enemy would come against Calidoreas, knowing they would have to face the might of the Dragoons? According to the histories, the last war to befall Calidoreas was the Mage War, a civil war that had nearly torn the land apart and saw the fall of the Council of Seven. Since then, magic had been banned in Calidoreas, enforced by the Dragoons in service to the Aegis Crown, and peace had reigned in this land for over a thousand years. Now the only service this post provided was to give Aeron a break from the palace once in a while. Solitude usually felt good to him, a rare and treasured occurrence as it was, but not tonight. Something felt wrong. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but it was there nonetheless. His memory seemed clouded and hazy, as if he had too much wine. He couldn’t remember climbing the tower, or why he had come here. He couldn’t remember the events of the night beforehand, or those of the day or yesterday for that matter. He couldn’t even put a specific date to today. It was as if time itself had left him. Why did he feel so nervous, like he was in danger? He had not felt like this since that night years ago when an assassin had come for his father at a ball. The Royal Vanguard, the elite soldiers of the kings personal guard, trained by the Dragoons themselves, had uncovered the plot and planned to spring a trap for the would be killer. Unfortunately, that meant that a faceless murderer was lurking in a room full of people wearing masks, with no way of knowing who or where the assassin was. Aeron was on edge the entire night, suspect of everyone and everything around him. It turned out that the man was a bumbling idiot, making his move at the worst possible time and tripping over the king’s dais in a grand display of ineptitude. The Vanguard didn’t even have to subdue him, as he hit his head in the fall and knocked himself unconscious. In the end, he confessed to being a simple vagabond hired by a minor landlord in Mosaire who was upset of taxes. His life was spared, though he was banished from the kingdom. The landlord didn’t fare so well. Though the man was never even a real threat, the danger had felt real enough for a time, and the anticipation, anxiety, and nervousness had nearly overwhelmed Aeron in the moment. He felt the same way tonight, only more so, if that was possible. Why? I shouldn’t be here. Aeron decided that it would be best if he left, went to his chambers to sleep. He was having trouble thinking clearly, and a good night’s rest would help him sort things out. The dawn would bring new light to the world and to his mind as well. He walked towards the hatch that would lead back down into the tower, his armor making nearly crystalline sounds as he moved. He knelt to grasp the ring on the hatch and open it; hand on the pommel of his sword, instinctively pushing down on it so the scabbard would not catch on the floor. He froze, fingers barely touching the ring. Why am I wearing armor? He was dressed in armor, head to toe. He stood, not knowing what to make of it. He could think of no reason to be wearing armor. Of course he had armor, though it was mostly ornamental. His father insisted on having it made, as well as training him and his brother in the art of sword and combat. He never understood the need, but his father held firmly to the old traditions. This particular set of armor was easily the finest he had ever worn. A perfect fit, and finely crafted. It wasn’t his. It was amazing, however. He couldn’t exactly tell what it was made of. The plate material didn’t seem to be metal. It was light, lighter than any armor he had ever felt. It wasn’t much heavier than a thick winter coat, actually, but it felt strong. It was beautiful, white as fresh snow, with fine silver scroll intricately worked into it everywhere. No, that wasn’t right. It wasn’t exactly silver. It had a slight cast to it that made it shine even more than silver in the moonlight. Could it be? It was mythril, mystic silver – the same material that Shailamar was made from. The mail was mythril as well. He had never seen its like. Where had this come from? No one knew the origin of mythril. No raw mythril had ever been found, only some ancient artifacts made from it. It was absolutely priceless. It couldn’t be worked either. Many a blacksmith had tried in vain to do so, but not forge could melt it. No hammer could bend or break it. Was this some ancient piece of armor his father had uncovered? Did his father give this to him as a gift? He couldn’t remember. He had never seen it before. How did he come to be wearing it, if he couldn’t even remember where he had gotten it? His mind was getting cloudier. He had to get some rest. What of the sword? He felt the sword under his hand, in a scabbard of pure mythril. Curiously he drew it from the scabbard, amazed by the sound it made as it slid free. Mythril didn’t make a metallic sound as it scraped against other metal. Instead it made a crystalline sound, a beautiful soft ringing, clear and bright. It thrilled him as he held the sword up to inspect it. It wasn’t made entirely of mythril as he expected. The hilt, pommel, and guard were mythril, and the edge of the blade was lined in it as well, but the blade itself was of the same pure white stuff that the armor plate was made from. The blade was straight, with a standard blood groove carved right down the center, but the edge flowed in sinuous waves, beautiful and deadly. He gave it a few practice swings, dropping into one of the sword forms old Vorin, the Dragoon that trained him and his brother, had taught him. He lunged forward, and then slashed down, spinning his body with knees bent, dropping low and rising into a massive backhand slash. It was amazing! The blade felt as if it weighed nothing at all. He would have to remember to thank his father for such an amazing gift. It had to be a gift. Wasn’t it? Why couldn’t he remember? He needed rest. I can’t leave. The feeling returned to him. He was distracted for a moment by the armor and sword, but the feeling of dread hadn’t gone. In fact, it seemed to have gotten stronger. What was wrong with him tonight? What was wrong with the city tonight? Why did it feel like the entire world was wrong? What was that? A sound broke the still of the night. Sharp and shrill, it sounded like the screech of a bird. Aeron looked up, and saw a falcon circling overhead. He was instantly mesmerized by it. It swirled overhead for a moment, and then began to glide down in a spiraling pattern. He stood transfixed, watching it as it drew closer and closer, finally coming to perch upon one of the merlons of the tower’s battlements. It stared at him, seeming to see into his very soul. He felt drawn to this creature, though he did not understand why. It suddenly lifted back into the air with another shriek as yet another sound splintered the silence again. He comes. This new sound wasn’t that of a bird. It was more like the roar of a bear, or more accurately like of one of those large orange and black striped cats he had seen when a travelling carnival had come to the city few years back. It was much louder than that, however. He could feel the roar in his chest. It drove itself into his bones, straight into his heart. What could that have been? He searched the ground, but from this height couldn’t see anything. Again the roar thundered in his ears, this time louder, closer. He began to her something like a drum beat, strong and rhythmic. He was missing something. It was all wrong. Was it getting warmer? The air didn’t feel as chill. It was all wrong. Whatever beast was making that noise was the origin of it all. He didn’t know how he knew that, he just did. It was his enemy. It was the hunter, and he was the prey. Where had the falcon gone? Shouldn’t it be here with him? It was all wrong. Look to the sky. He looked up, expecting to see the falcon, but instead something enormous flew overhead. He could feel the wind off of it as it passed over him. Was that a wyvern? He couldn’t see a Dragoon on its back. No, this was no wyvern. It was much larger than that. It was as dark as the night itself, yet its body glistened with a red tint. It began rising in the air, stretching out huge leathery wings. Wings that beat the air like the sound of a great drum. It was so hot now. Sweat began to drip from Aeron’s brow, stinging his eyes. The beast climbed and higher and higher above him, great wings flapping. Its movements were so beautiful, slightly serpentine and graceful. It turned about it the air, wings beating in time to the pounding of Aeron’s heart. It looked down on him, glowing red eyes burning malevolently. It seemed to have scales. Black scales, with a hint of red to them, almost like something that was painted black then lacquered red. A ridge of spikes started from the tip of its snout, rising into a spiky crest over the top of the head and down its back. Two great horns jutted out of ridges above the eyes. It was long and sleek, with a strong cat like body, beating wings protruding from its back. It had a long tail, with a bony spike at the end, and powerful limbs, ending in three toes each with massive claws. It did indeed resemble a wyvern, but it was not one of the noble steeds the Dragoons rode. This was something much more terrible; something that shouldn’t exist. There weren’t supposed to be any of them left. The histories all agreed they were extinct. Even the Elder Scrolls said as much. A Dragon has come. NO! Aeron thought. This is all wrong. The beast stretched out its neck, releasing a massive roar that shook the heavens. The tower beneath his feet trembled. Then it pointed itself toward him, and began to dive. Aeron raised his sword into the Lizard Stance, a sword form to help provide protection from an enemy with the high ground. Left leg out front, knee slightly bent, right leg straight behind for support. Sword raised high with both hands, held horizontally above the head. Most of the attacks in this form were high, sweeping slashes and overhand jabs. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t sure he would get the chance to attack. The thought never occurred to him to try to run for the tower. He felt he must face this creature of the ancient world, or there would be dire consequences. Where was that falcon? Brace yourself. It was so very hot. There was so much sweat dripping from his brow now that he could barely see. His eyes burned. His muscles began to cramp and tighten. A small trickle of blood began to run from his nose down over his lips. He didn’t dare move. He met the eyes of the creature, darting toward him now like an arrow shot from the bow of some insane god. He could feel the hatred for him burning in them. Faster and faster it fell, but it seemed like an eternity had passed to Aeron. His teeth ground together. He would wait for it, and then try to dart aside at the last second. He wasn’t sure it would work, but it was the only thing he could do. If he could get it down to the tower then strike at the wings, maybe he could ground it. Then he would at least be able to fight it. Just a little more now; it was right on top of him. I’m going to die. A shriek pierced the night. The falcon was back! Why did that make him feel better? What could a falcon do against this beast? He saw it flying at full speed toward the creature, but something seemed different about it? Was that flames on the tips of its wings? The histories said these creatures could breathe fire. Did he miss that? How did the bird survive it? A blinding light flashed in the sky, and the falcon burst into flames. The dragon, for that had to be what this creature was, broke out of its dive and turned towards the bird, now just a ball of flames hurtling through the air. Suddenly, great wings of flame shot out from the fire, and a beak formed, then eyes, a body, and a tail. It looked like the falcon, only much larger, fire flickering where feathers should be. It reared, stretching out talons of pure fire, and crashed into the dragon. The dragon roared; the sound so loud that it hurt Aeron’s ears. The two creatures tangled together for a moment just above Aeron, and then the dragon drew back its head and pure white flames belched forth from its mouth. Toward the bird below it. Toward Aeron. The entire world exploded into fire and pain. Aeron was knocked to the ground from the force of the impact. He opened his mouth to scream, but no sound came out as his vocal cords were seared. His entire body was engulfed in flames. This cannot be. Oh, white spire protect us! I can see it rising to the heavens, clouds surrounding its peak. He will return, and all of mankind shall weep. The black one and the dark one shall be free. I am the only one; all that is and will be. The Scion must rise with the Phoenix.
	Thu, Jan 26 '12 at 9:59PM EST	Post 7 • IP

had this prepared two days ago, then my web connection went wonky

so cudn't post

--------------------------

lol "Elder Scrolls" and "mithril" in the first few pages :P

very nice tnfsinger. I would definitely love to read more, the last parts were very gripping indeed.

positives :

very nice descriptive writing. The opening paragraph, descriptions of the sword and armor etc.

interspersing the entire chapter with those questions/thoughts ("Where am I?" etc) was a nice touch.

The mithril and sword bit was very well written IMO

the approaching of the dragon and the action scene was very entertaining

negatives :

too much exposition/world building too early. Talking of the Priories and the capital and its description. I think most readers tend to skim over exposition when there still isn't a connection between the character/plot and the reader. at this point we know absolutely nothing about plot or character. (this is why I prefer first chapters that put us in a scene that moves along, w/o too much exposition. It could be something simple like in Mistborn and Vin's intro, or something complex like the prologue to Eye of the World, as long as its a scene where stuff is happening. Once that is done, the readers have a connection and have the patience to read through exposition)

it seemed a bit too derivative. Dragons, elder scrolls, mithril, pheonix. Maybe you could change the names and the details of each thing while giving it the same effect. For example mithril could be named something else, and look different but have pretty much the same properties (and maybe a few new ones). Same for dragon and pheonix. This would IMO make readers curious to find out more about the thing. But the moment dragon or mithril comes up, everyone already knows what it is (and I'm a bit tired of them too :P)

the action scene was nice, but at times seemed over the top. this may be because the themes of dragons returning and shock and fear at that is so often used in fantasy.

Bttw, is that last para supposed to be seperate from the chapter? Like WOT prophecies? 'cos it doesn't sound like a person's thoughts. And before every time italics was used to show direct thoughts.

	tnfsinger 70	0
	guys, I just finished chapter 1 of my book. Was wondering if anyone was interested in reading it, possibly giving me some feedback? I can post it here, or e-mail to anyone who would like to read it. It's not quite as sloppy as some of my previous work. Just let me know!
	Thu, Jan 26 '12 at 6:04AM EST	Post 1 • IP

	andoran_g33k 199	0
	I'd love to read it, but I can't guarantee feedback--I still haven't finished JD94's story
	Thu, Jan 26 '12 at 10:03AM EST	Post 2 • IP

	tnfsinger 70	0
	Would you like me to post it here or e-mail it to ya?
	Thu, Jan 26 '12 at 1:01PM EST	Post 3 • IP

	andoran_g33k 199	0
	Either way's fine. I can PM you my email if you'd prefer not to post your brilliance for all the interblag to see
	Thu, Jan 26 '12 at 1:04PM EST	Post 4 • IP

	WOT_lover 25	0
	i'd like to read it also!
	Thu, Jan 26 '12 at 2:35PM EST	Post 5 • IP

	Shaltilyena 118	0
	I'd love to read it!
	Thu, Jan 26 '12 at 3:17PM EST	Post 6 • IP

	tnfsinger 70	0
	No comments? Would like some feedback if you guys get a chance.
	Sat, Jan 28 '12 at 2:46PM EST	Post 8 • IP

	MoriKen 259	0
	Yep, this bunch were very closed-mouthed when I was posting my story a while back too. I'll try to make some time later today to give your story my expert (lol) perusal.
	Sat, Jan 28 '12 at 4:36PM EST	Post 9 • IP

	tnfsinger 70	0
	Well, thank you!
	Sat, Jan 28 '12 at 6:54PM EST	Post 10 • IP

	MoriKen 259	0
	1) Is "frost season" the same as Winter? I don't if there's a need to call it something special if it is. 2) I think some more unique names need to be given to your Fantasy devices. Terms like "Council of Seven" and "Elder Scrolls" sound a little too overused. 3) Some of the paragraphs after each "question title", especially in the beginning, read a little too much like encyclopedia entrees rather than a story. I always like reading dialogue and some of this information would be more interesting if it came out through conversation (or remembered conversations). It's too early to know where you're going with the story to know if this is on purpose. Is this a prologue like in the Belgariad or TWoK, or will we have to RAFO? 4) I don't know if you've read The Dragonlance Chronicles but the end reminds me of Sturm's last stand against Kitiara and her dragon. Cool visual! I look forward to reading more. BTW, if you intend to post more chapters here, you might want to start a separate thread for comments and discussion. We of course tend to get off topic on every thread really quickly.
	Sat, Jan 28 '12 at 11:19PM EST	Post 11 • IP

	andoran_g33k 199	0
	It was more like the roar of a bear, or more accurately like of one of those large orange and black striped cats he had seen when a travelling carnival had come to the city few years back. This sentence bothered me a bit; I don't think the part about the bear was necessary. He met the eyes of the creature, darting toward him now like an arrow shot from the bow of some insane god. Loved the simile That's all the specifics I've got. Otherwise, where's the rest?!
	Sun, Jan 29 '12 at 2:29AM EST	Post 12 • IP

	tnfsinger 70	0
	Thank you Mori! I appreciate the feedback. I do tend to over explain things... maybe I need to dial back on that a bit. There wasn't intended to be much dialogue in this chapter. I intended to give readers a feel for my world in this chapter through Aeron's musings, but maybe I will look at that and try to make it sound less like Dakar history lesson! It is the opening chapter, so yeah its kind of a RAFO. Frost season is sort of the same as winter, or rather that in-between time when fall is giving way to winter, and that is what the characters in my story refer to it as. There are going to be more than 4 seasons in my story. The titles are a work in progress, but Council of Seven is going to stay the same, cause it is kind of tied into the story. The working title of this book is "A Gathering of Seven." I intend for this to be a trilogy. Haven't came up with a proper title for the overall story yet, but I will say that the story will focus on the "Scion." Yes I know some of it sounds a little cliche, but I like cliche! The story is original, but my influences will probably be a bit obvious. I will probably post more here soon. My goal now is to complete one chapter per week, give or take. Thanks so much again!
	Sun, Jan 29 '12 at 2:37AM EST	Post 13 • IP

	tnfsinger 70	0
	andoran - thanks for the input! I think you are right, the part about the bear is a little redundant. Well, this is an unedited work in progress, so I actually think that is coming out. I think it will read a bit better. I also think that the story of the assassin may be a bit drawn out as well, and may be better off placed somewhere else other than here. Any thoughts?
	Sun, Jan 29 '12 at 2:42AM EST	Post 14 • IP

	andoran_g33k 199	0
	I'm glad you liked my comments so much you had to thank me twice I didn't notice it at first, but now that you mention it I do think the assassin detour could be more condensed. I think it adds to the story where it is, but doesn't need more than a sentence or two mention.
	Mon, Jan 30 '12 at 10:22AM EST	Post 16 • IP

	josh 448	0
	had this prepared two days ago, then my web connection went wonky so cudn't post -------------------------- lol "Elder Scrolls" and "mithril" in the first few pages :P very nice tnfsinger. I would definitely love to read more, the last parts were very gripping indeed. positives : very nice descriptive writing. The opening paragraph, descriptions of the sword and armor etc. interspersing the entire chapter with those questions/thoughts ("Where am I?" etc) was a nice touch. The mithril and sword bit was very well written IMO the approaching of the dragon and the action scene was very entertaining negatives : too much exposition/world building too early. Talking of the Priories and the capital and its description. I think most readers tend to skim over exposition when there still isn't a connection between the character/plot and the reader. at this point we know absolutely nothing about plot or character. (this is why I prefer first chapters that put us in a scene that moves along, w/o too much exposition. It could be something simple like in Mistborn and Vin's intro, or something complex like the prologue to Eye of the World, as long as its a scene where stuff is happening. Once that is done, the readers have a connection and have the patience to read through exposition) it seemed a bit too derivative. Dragons, elder scrolls, mithril, pheonix. Maybe you could change the names and the details of each thing while giving it the same effect. For example mithril could be named something else, and look different but have pretty much the same properties (and maybe a few new ones). Same for dragon and pheonix. This would IMO make readers curious to find out more about the thing. But the moment dragon or mithril comes up, everyone already knows what it is (and I'm a bit tired of them too :P) the action scene was nice, but at times seemed over the top. this may be because the themes of dragons returning and shock and fear at that is so often used in fantasy. Bttw, is that last para supposed to be seperate from the chapter? Like WOT prophecies? 'cos it doesn't sound like a person's thoughts. And before every time italics was used to show direct thoughts.
	Thu, Feb 2 '12 at 12:31AM EST	Post 17 • IP

	tnfsinger 70	0
	Thanks for your feedback Josh! As I read over it, I tend to agree about there just being too much in this chapter. I think I may shorten it, taking out some of the exposition. And I actually do plan on changing some titles of things as I go into this. (Elder Scrolls, mythril, etc. These names just popped into my head for now.) Dragons will remain however. I know they have been done and are very cliche, but I like cliche... and over the top. Dragons are actually a very important part of the story, and are tied to the base of everything. And as the story unfolds, the questions and thoughts will make more sense. But thanks again man!
	Thu, Feb 2 '12 at 1:17PM EST	Post 18 • IP

Chapter 1 of my book finished!1028